A Modest Proposal

It's that time of year again! With September approaching, a university student can't help but think of the important things: education, money, team sports, money, finding potential mates, money, drinking, money, essays, money, and most importantly,
money. Luckily, I have a very supportive family structure willing and able to help both myself and my brother out. But with this dour economic climate, is it really logical to support two children? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to pour their resources into a single student?

Here's my proposal:

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Dear Shareholders/Parents,

We'd like to thank you for your continued interest and support. The affiliation we've cultivated over the past 19 years has proven extremely beneficial, and we hope to continue this relationship well into the future. The hundreds of thousands of dollars you are estimated to contribute within the next few years to the education of your children should therefore not be seen as a financial burden, but rather as a well-planned investment. Although an initial cost-analysis may result in heart palpitations and a retirement eating watery, pureed celery soup, the overall gains could be as profound as name-brand toilet paper in a centrally-located nursing home.

Research and Development has uncovered that 50% of your current investments are currently under-performing. Independently assessed data indicates your earliest investment peaked circa 2008, and has since faced steep decline. Despite assurances from executive members, questions persist as to whether the proposed overhaul of operating procedures will have an impact strong enough to warrant further investment. As we enter the third quarter, we recommend transferring funding from the flagging investment to a holding preforming more robustly. As the folksy American saying quips, "Cut your losses and let your profits run".



Shifting capital to a stronger asset ensures the highest return on your contribution. An increase in funds positively correlates to an increase in 'good times', which is significant to harbouring goodwill and cheer towards initial benefactors. Indeed, investors can be guaranteed that optimization of assets will result in greater quality of future life, perhaps even culminating in the sponsoring of a bi-weekly bingo team!* These predictions may even be extrapolated to predict that any and all future educational spending could be maximized if merged. Critics may contend that placing all the proverbial eggs in a singular basket makes for crunchy omelets, but we assure that this particular cooking metaphor does not at all suit the current economic forecast. Instead, we submit our own edible analogy, "A proliferation of chefs botches the bisque, thus provoking gastrointestinal distress (and poor economic investments)".

The dawn of a new decade warrants a comprehensive analysis of allocated funds. By synchronizing expenditures into a singular entity, the benefits could prove extremely rewarding. On behalf of all your current investments, we thank you for your contributions to date and look forward to further economic cooperation in the future.

Sincerely,
Isabelle Duchaine (Daughter)


*This is by no means a guarantee of sponsorship, be it a bi-weekly bingo team, bi-monthly shuffleboard team, semi-annual Lawnbowling Tournament, etc.

Letter to Heinz re. their Shitty Soup

I am an adventurous eater. I believe our Western aversion to eating insects completely ignores an ethically sound, inexpensive, and plentiful source of protein. In Norway, I condemned myself to the lowest pits of Hell by trying a free sample of whale. If I were a member of a Uruguyan Rugby Team stranded on top of the Andes, I might even resort to cannibalism (look up their story, it's incredible). In summary, I would eat bugs frequently, whale once, and people in very taxing circumstances. The only foods I can't stand are ranch flavoured Doritos and macaroni.

Brighton is not exactly renowned for its culinary delights. Finding a can of delicous-sounding Thai Coconut Curry Soup at Sobeys left me very excited.
Although I wasn't ecstatic that it is low calorie (they sacrifice important things like chicken to drop the calorie count), I thought it couldn't be too horrible.

How wrong I was! I was so dissapointed by this crap-in-a-can that I wrote Weight Watchers and their parent company, Heinz. As my father always says,

Put up
Shut up
or do something about it.


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Dear Weight Watchers/Heinz Canada,

I purchased your SmartOnes Thai Coconut Curry Soup with great excitment. Living in a small community, it is rare to find low calorie ethnic foods. With the strong reputation of the Weight Watcher's brand behind this product, I felt assured that this soup would provide a delicous and healthy lunch option. I recognize that creating a low calorie soup requires ommiting some high calorie ingrediants (including coconut milk, cashews, ets) that would otherwise be staples of Thai cooking. As such, I have very few requirements for a low calories soup. However, one of my requirements is that it not taste like vomit. Unfotunatley, SmartOnes Thai Coconut Curry violated this requirement. The blend of Thai spices were more putrid and pungent than 'fragrant and authentic', with an unpleasant yellow colour to match. The similarities between your product and vomit were further exacerbated by the soggy texture of the vegetables, which were reminiscient of partially digested food. I personally found the mushrooms to be the worst offenders.
I am fully committed to the Heinz brand, being a loyal consumer of your ketchups, spreads, and other assorted products for many years. I believe that SmartOnes Thai Coconut Curry Soup is a product that needs to be readjusted, and I look forward to repairing my relationship with your company.

A disheartened customer,

Isabelle Duchaine