A Modest Proposal

It's that time of year again! With September approaching, a university student can't help but think of the important things: education, money, team sports, money, finding potential mates, money, drinking, money, essays, money, and most importantly,
money. Luckily, I have a very supportive family structure willing and able to help both myself and my brother out. But with this dour economic climate, is it really logical to support two children? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to pour their resources into a single student?

Here's my proposal:

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Dear Shareholders/Parents,

We'd like to thank you for your continued interest and support. The affiliation we've cultivated over the past 19 years has proven extremely beneficial, and we hope to continue this relationship well into the future. The hundreds of thousands of dollars you are estimated to contribute within the next few years to the education of your children should therefore not be seen as a financial burden, but rather as a well-planned investment. Although an initial cost-analysis may result in heart palpitations and a retirement eating watery, pureed celery soup, the overall gains could be as profound as name-brand toilet paper in a centrally-located nursing home.

Research and Development has uncovered that 50% of your current investments are currently under-performing. Independently assessed data indicates your earliest investment peaked circa 2008, and has since faced steep decline. Despite assurances from executive members, questions persist as to whether the proposed overhaul of operating procedures will have an impact strong enough to warrant further investment. As we enter the third quarter, we recommend transferring funding from the flagging investment to a holding preforming more robustly. As the folksy American saying quips, "Cut your losses and let your profits run".



Shifting capital to a stronger asset ensures the highest return on your contribution. An increase in funds positively correlates to an increase in 'good times', which is significant to harbouring goodwill and cheer towards initial benefactors. Indeed, investors can be guaranteed that optimization of assets will result in greater quality of future life, perhaps even culminating in the sponsoring of a bi-weekly bingo team!* These predictions may even be extrapolated to predict that any and all future educational spending could be maximized if merged. Critics may contend that placing all the proverbial eggs in a singular basket makes for crunchy omelets, but we assure that this particular cooking metaphor does not at all suit the current economic forecast. Instead, we submit our own edible analogy, "A proliferation of chefs botches the bisque, thus provoking gastrointestinal distress (and poor economic investments)".

The dawn of a new decade warrants a comprehensive analysis of allocated funds. By synchronizing expenditures into a singular entity, the benefits could prove extremely rewarding. On behalf of all your current investments, we thank you for your contributions to date and look forward to further economic cooperation in the future.

Sincerely,
Isabelle Duchaine (Daughter)


*This is by no means a guarantee of sponsorship, be it a bi-weekly bingo team, bi-monthly shuffleboard team, semi-annual Lawnbowling Tournament, etc.