Writing historically accurate pop song remakes is a passion of mine, and while studying for my Byzantium midterm I had a flash of insight. I was dutifully copying my notes onto index card like a thirteenth century Benedictine monk, when a SPASM of inspiration hit me. I nearly leapt out of my chair and shouted "EGAD! Constantinople has the same exact rhythmic meter as that nauseating 2008 acoustic popjam Hey There Delilah!" I didn't because I was in Stauffer and there was an extremely twitchy looking engineer sitting across the table, and I thought he might asphyxiate me with his purple jacket.
Sitting in Christian history, I wrote this. Find the song on youtube and sing along!
Constantinople
Constantinople
You were once known as Byzantium,
From the height of Haiga Sophia
All your opulence entranced them
Constantine
Founded you in third Century
His chief city
Constantinople
For millennia marking the space
Just layin on the Bosphorus
Where Europe/Asia embrace
Location’s prime
Too bad there’s fighting all the time
On every side
Sure, you’re in the Middle East
So, don’t expect much peace
But, hopefully at least
You’ll stop fighting with your priests
Iconoclastic Priests
Constantinople
Christianity close to your beart
With schisms, still you hold fast to the
Equality of Patriarchs
You split from Rome
1054 strike on your own
Master your zone
Constantinople
Since the splendour of Justinian
And Komenian restoration
You just hope that you could win again
I hope you can
Re-conquer Egypt and Iran
All your lost land
Sure, you’re in the Middle East
So, don’t expect much peace
But, hopefully at least
You’ll still hang on to Greece
Because you all speak Greek
Sure, Gibbon just might playa-hate,
On your concubines and magistrate,
And how you blind those rival emperors.
The Pope in Rome is not your friend,
Most of Europe just might want you dea,
But who cares? They’re all lousy Westerners.
Your legacy originates,
In Ancient Rome, therefore you’re great
You ruled the world while France was scratching fleas!
Dead with disease…
Constantinople,
With crusaders, Turks invading
A thousand years and you are fading
Alone and quite afraid
watch your back.
Theodosian built ten centuries back
Walls that repels lots of attacks.
Constantinople, now they crack,
You’re getting sacked
Oh, your influence decreased,
From the ninth century at least,
And, in 1453
Mehmet II he does defeat,
He ends your legacy.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Customer Service?
So all you schmucks not intravenously connected to a source of information, here's a link to the BIG NEWS STORY of the week:
"Upset flight attendant grabs beer, activates chute, goes home"
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38629517/ns/travel-news/
Never mind that an estimated 12 million people are displaced by flooding in Pakistan (a total higher than both the tsunami and Haitian earthquake combined), or that thousands are still missing or dead. I'm just pleased that this managed to knock Snookie's arrest out of the headlines. Who said journalism is dead?
However, this whole JetBlue scenario navigates a turbulent space, landing in a field of controversy. Keeping on this plane, it's possible that Mr. Slater's eruption could affect more people than an equally disgruntled Icelandic volcano. Maybe his Homeresque (we're taking Simpsons, not the Classical Greek writer) escape will spark copycats both inside and outside the aviation industry. If I was a professional journalist writing for a major news conglomerate, I would be unbiased in my critical examination of satisfaction within the service sector. However, I am writing on a free blogging site. Incidentally, I scoop ice cream at a locally owned candy store for minimum wage- that's my qualification for reviewing Mr Slater's outburst.
Customers of all sorts are curmedgeony. At my place of employment, they rant about the absence of Butter Pecan ice cream while I foolishly suggest Pralines and Cream instead. They construct outrageous requests(do we have glutenfree, dairyfree, sugarfree, fat free, low carb ice cream?*). They ask if there is hash in the Heavenly Hash fudge. They get a little too touchy feely when I hand over samples of Mint Chip. They talk about the polyps in their colon. Some customers smell bad.
I've worked in the same store for four years now, which in the shuffling world of teenage employment is tantamount to Cesar declaring himself Dictator for Life. I've survived The Great Recession, the South Beach Diet, and cold rainy summers. I've watched children grow from toddling on stubbly legs and nibbling at complimentary baby cones to devouring a double scoop of Blue Bubblegum. I've called hairdressers for emergency cuts, hotels for emergency accommodations, and customers to inform them that their emergency order of chocolate peanut butter ice cream has arrived. I've witnessed first dates, birthdays, anniversaries, and the sombre groups of people licking vanilla cones after summer funerals. A wrinkly old couple used to arrive hand in hand, always getting two cones of maple walnut-until his cancer diagnosis switched him to vanilla. I haven't seen them in months; I skim the obituaries now.
Mr. Jet Blue dealt with stress exceeding the amount I receive at a candy store. A thousand metres above the planet's surface, he is partly responsible for the welfare of his passengers. By comparison, once a woman collapsed on my chocolate cabinet. She was fine, the caramel and praline truffles were fine. Additionally, airline passengers are an irritable, impatient, and anxious group, while candy customers are remarkably pleasant. Occasionally, I struggle with the desire to reach over the counter and throttle the man complaining about our mediocre selection of salt water taffy. But launching into an obscene tirade, stealing alcoholic beverages andembarking on a sensationalist escape through an emergency exit? It offers neither Mr Slater or his beleaguered coworkers any credit to the challenges of their occupation.
When my customers are pleasant, I offer free sprinkles. Sometimes I feel the urge to flip over the ice cream freezer and use it as a bunker as I throw scoops of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough at stingy senior citizens. But inwardly I curse their ice cream cones, hexing them to fall on the ground. Forget inflatable slides and a criminal mischief charges, nothing says sticking it to the man like chunks of gravel in your Rum n' Raisin.
* This does not exist.
"Upset flight attendant grabs beer, activates chute, goes home"
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38629517/ns/travel-news/
Never mind that an estimated 12 million people are displaced by flooding in Pakistan (a total higher than both the tsunami and Haitian earthquake combined), or that thousands are still missing or dead. I'm just pleased that this managed to knock Snookie's arrest out of the headlines. Who said journalism is dead?
However, this whole JetBlue scenario navigates a turbulent space, landing in a field of controversy. Keeping on this plane, it's possible that Mr. Slater's eruption could affect more people than an equally disgruntled Icelandic volcano. Maybe his Homeresque (we're taking Simpsons, not the Classical Greek writer) escape will spark copycats both inside and outside the aviation industry. If I was a professional journalist writing for a major news conglomerate, I would be unbiased in my critical examination of satisfaction within the service sector. However, I am writing on a free blogging site. Incidentally, I scoop ice cream at a locally owned candy store for minimum wage- that's my qualification for reviewing Mr Slater's outburst.
Customers of all sorts are curmedgeony. At my place of employment, they rant about the absence of Butter Pecan ice cream while I foolishly suggest Pralines and Cream instead. They construct outrageous requests(do we have glutenfree, dairyfree, sugarfree, fat free, low carb ice cream?*). They ask if there is hash in the Heavenly Hash fudge. They get a little too touchy feely when I hand over samples of Mint Chip. They talk about the polyps in their colon. Some customers smell bad.
I've worked in the same store for four years now, which in the shuffling world of teenage employment is tantamount to Cesar declaring himself Dictator for Life. I've survived The Great Recession, the South Beach Diet, and cold rainy summers. I've watched children grow from toddling on stubbly legs and nibbling at complimentary baby cones to devouring a double scoop of Blue Bubblegum. I've called hairdressers for emergency cuts, hotels for emergency accommodations, and customers to inform them that their emergency order of chocolate peanut butter ice cream has arrived. I've witnessed first dates, birthdays, anniversaries, and the sombre groups of people licking vanilla cones after summer funerals. A wrinkly old couple used to arrive hand in hand, always getting two cones of maple walnut-until his cancer diagnosis switched him to vanilla. I haven't seen them in months; I skim the obituaries now.
Mr. Jet Blue dealt with stress exceeding the amount I receive at a candy store. A thousand metres above the planet's surface, he is partly responsible for the welfare of his passengers. By comparison, once a woman collapsed on my chocolate cabinet. She was fine, the caramel and praline truffles were fine. Additionally, airline passengers are an irritable, impatient, and anxious group, while candy customers are remarkably pleasant. Occasionally, I struggle with the desire to reach over the counter and throttle the man complaining about our mediocre selection of salt water taffy. But launching into an obscene tirade, stealing alcoholic beverages andembarking on a sensationalist escape through an emergency exit? It offers neither Mr Slater or his beleaguered coworkers any credit to the challenges of their occupation.
When my customers are pleasant, I offer free sprinkles. Sometimes I feel the urge to flip over the ice cream freezer and use it as a bunker as I throw scoops of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough at stingy senior citizens. But inwardly I curse their ice cream cones, hexing them to fall on the ground. Forget inflatable slides and a criminal mischief charges, nothing says sticking it to the man like chunks of gravel in your Rum n' Raisin.
* This does not exist.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Bruce and the Ice Cream Cone
Bruce bought his mom an ice cream cone
to give on her birthday.
Wrapped and packed with bright blue bows
He then tucked it away.
A week went by, and birthday night
Amid the cake and birthday lights
Bruce gave his gift with great delight
Although it didn't look quite right...
With great green spots of source unknown
She gobbled up that ice cream cone.
She thought it was pistachio,
but really it was mold.
to give on her birthday.
Wrapped and packed with bright blue bows
He then tucked it away.
A week went by, and birthday night
Amid the cake and birthday lights
Bruce gave his gift with great delight
Although it didn't look quite right...
With great green spots of source unknown
She gobbled up that ice cream cone.
She thought it was pistachio,
but really it was mold.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Modest Proposal
It's that time of year again! With September approaching, a university student can't help but think of the important things: education, money, team sports, money, finding potential mates, money, drinking, money, essays, money, and most importantly,
money. Luckily, I have a very supportive family structure willing and able to help both myself and my brother out. But with this dour economic climate, is it really logical to support two children? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to pour their resources into a single student?
Here's my proposal:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Shareholders/Parents,
We'd like to thank you for your continued interest and support. The affiliation we've cultivated over the past 19 years has proven extremely beneficial, and we hope to continue this relationship well into the future. The hundreds of thousands of dollars you are estimated to contribute within the next few years to the education of your children should therefore not be seen as a financial burden, but rather as a well-planned investment. Although an initial cost-analysis may result in heart palpitations and a retirement eating watery, pureed celery soup, the overall gains could be as profound as name-brand toilet paper in a centrally-located nursing home.
Research and Development has uncovered that 50% of your current investments are currently under-performing. Independently assessed data indicates your earliest investment peaked circa 2008, and has since faced steep decline. Despite assurances from executive members, questions persist as to whether the proposed overhaul of operating procedures will have an impact strong enough to warrant further investment. As we enter the third quarter, we recommend transferring funding from the flagging investment to a holding preforming more robustly. As the folksy American saying quips, "Cut your losses and let your profits run".
Shifting capital to a stronger asset ensures the highest return on your contribution. An increase in funds positively correlates to an increase in 'good times', which is significant to harbouring goodwill and cheer towards initial benefactors. Indeed, investors can be guaranteed that optimization of assets will result in greater quality of future life, perhaps even culminating in the sponsoring of a bi-weekly bingo team!* These predictions may even be extrapolated to predict that any and all future educational spending could be maximized if merged. Critics may contend that placing all the proverbial eggs in a singular basket makes for crunchy omelets, but we assure that this particular cooking metaphor does not at all suit the current economic forecast. Instead, we submit our own edible analogy, "A proliferation of chefs botches the bisque, thus provoking gastrointestinal distress (and poor economic investments)".
The dawn of a new decade warrants a comprehensive analysis of allocated funds. By synchronizing expenditures into a singular entity, the benefits could prove extremely rewarding. On behalf of all your current investments, we thank you for your contributions to date and look forward to further economic cooperation in the future.
Sincerely,
Isabelle Duchaine (Daughter)
*This is by no means a guarantee of sponsorship, be it a bi-weekly bingo team, bi-monthly shuffleboard team, semi-annual Lawnbowling Tournament, etc.
money. Luckily, I have a very supportive family structure willing and able to help both myself and my brother out. But with this dour economic climate, is it really logical to support two children? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to pour their resources into a single student?
Here's my proposal:
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Shareholders/Parents,
We'd like to thank you for your continued interest and support. The affiliation we've cultivated over the past 19 years has proven extremely beneficial, and we hope to continue this relationship well into the future. The hundreds of thousands of dollars you are estimated to contribute within the next few years to the education of your children should therefore not be seen as a financial burden, but rather as a well-planned investment. Although an initial cost-analysis may result in heart palpitations and a retirement eating watery, pureed celery soup, the overall gains could be as profound as name-brand toilet paper in a centrally-located nursing home.
Research and Development has uncovered that 50% of your current investments are currently under-performing. Independently assessed data indicates your earliest investment peaked circa 2008, and has since faced steep decline. Despite assurances from executive members, questions persist as to whether the proposed overhaul of operating procedures will have an impact strong enough to warrant further investment. As we enter the third quarter, we recommend transferring funding from the flagging investment to a holding preforming more robustly. As the folksy American saying quips, "Cut your losses and let your profits run".
Shifting capital to a stronger asset ensures the highest return on your contribution. An increase in funds positively correlates to an increase in 'good times', which is significant to harbouring goodwill and cheer towards initial benefactors. Indeed, investors can be guaranteed that optimization of assets will result in greater quality of future life, perhaps even culminating in the sponsoring of a bi-weekly bingo team!* These predictions may even be extrapolated to predict that any and all future educational spending could be maximized if merged. Critics may contend that placing all the proverbial eggs in a singular basket makes for crunchy omelets, but we assure that this particular cooking metaphor does not at all suit the current economic forecast. Instead, we submit our own edible analogy, "A proliferation of chefs botches the bisque, thus provoking gastrointestinal distress (and poor economic investments)".
The dawn of a new decade warrants a comprehensive analysis of allocated funds. By synchronizing expenditures into a singular entity, the benefits could prove extremely rewarding. On behalf of all your current investments, we thank you for your contributions to date and look forward to further economic cooperation in the future.
Sincerely,
Isabelle Duchaine (Daughter)
*This is by no means a guarantee of sponsorship, be it a bi-weekly bingo team, bi-monthly shuffleboard team, semi-annual Lawnbowling Tournament, etc.
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